River (sonarvampress) wrote,

LJ Idol: introduction

Sometimes I think back to who I used to be. The teenaged girl who started to journal, the one with the bright green hair. I think back to my first tattoo and how I was sure I would be coverd head to toe in a few more years. Back when I switched to live journal I was just starting college. I was a perfomance theater major who often passed out on friend's floors or maybe a random guy's bed just a few hours before I went off to class. After that it was work, maybe a night of karaoke, and then back to passing out for a few hours before school. Maybe on a calm night, I'd spend a few hours writing. That was my me time. That was my art. It may seem crazy now, but I loved my life. I never doubted myself, never wondered who my friends were or if I would be able to pay my $75 car payment or $30 prepaid cell phone bill. Life was simple then. I was a free spirit, vegetarian who always had somewhere to be or something to do. Now, I don't even know who I am.

I don't know what happened, somewhere between meeting my husband, starting to eat meat again and totaling my run down sports car, I became someone I barely recognize. I have traded sleeping on friend's floors to a king size bed in 3 bedroom house. I complain now that my tiny hatchback isn't big enough to rear face my kids to the max, and I need a minivan. I have forgotten how to meditate which is unfortunate because I am never relaxed. Most days I am just a little depressed. Maybe I am a bit disappointed that I lost sight of that girl with the green hair. I'd be happier with more tattoos and less square footage, I think. I can't help but regret that the two laughing children playing in my bedroom floor have kept me away from the theater for years. Don't get me wrong. I know I am lucky. I have much more than I ever expected to have back then. I have so much more, but I need so much more too. Nothing ever feels like enough as I try and fill the void in my life with stuff. The baby boy crying to my left because he needs to be held and the toddler girl to my right pretending to type "just like you" are my world. I wouldn't trade them for anything, but I need so much more than them. I need to write.
Tags: ljidol
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