River (sonarvampress) wrote,
River
sonarvampress

LJ idol week 3: Brushback Pitch

I saw his picture the other day, and it hurt. It's so strange to me that someone can still have that kind of power over me. The kind of power that made me hide in a back room when I knew he was at our house even as a grown woman. I tell myself he can't hurt me now. Logically, I know that, but something strange happens when he is around. I flash back to the tiny little girl I was the day I first gave him a second glance. Just four years old, excited about a new family member. I wish I could tell her now that she would be okay. It would be a lie but maybe it would comfort her. She died, that little girl in me, she was outgoing, charming, confidant. I am none of those things.

I am the little girl who at five years old, hid in her room all day. She didn't want to upset him so she avoided him. She didn't want another "spanking". I am the seven year old who learned to stop complaining about staying in the corner all day. I make it through, silently, and in pain because I know that standing up for myself has consequences. I am eight and I will not cry because crying means a beating. I show no emotion. I am that ten year old who spent every second she could with friends because she was afraid to face him. I haven't faced him since the day he left when I was 12 years old.

My sister loves him, and I don't blame her. He is her father. He treated her better. So when he comes to pick her up, I hide. When she posts his photos, I cringe, and move on. I am ashamed to admit that he still controls my life. I am shy, quiet, reserved. I back away from arguments, avoid conflict. I don't know how to stand up for myself. I live in fear. I wonder how different my life would be if my mom hadn't let Steve into our lives. How different I would be. He still controls me. I am so ashamed of that.
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