River (sonarvampress) wrote,

LJ Idol: introduction

Sometimes I think back to who I used to be. The teenaged girl who started to journal, the one with the bright green hair. I think back to my first tattoo and how I was sure I would be coverd head to toe in a few more years. Back when I switched to live journal I was just starting college. I was a perfomance theater major who often passed out on friend's floors or maybe a random guy's bed just a few hours before I went off to class. After that it was work, maybe a night of karaoke, and then back to passing out for a few hours before school. Maybe on a calm night, I'd spend a few hours writing. That was my me time. That was my art. It may seem crazy now, but I loved my life. I never doubted myself, never wondered who my friends were or if I would be able to pay my $75 car payment or $30 prepaid cell phone bill. Life was simple then. I was a free spirit, vegetarian who always had somewhere to be or something to do. Now, I don't even know who I am.

I don't know what happened, somewhere between meeting my husband, starting to eat meat again and totaling my run down sports car, I became someone I barely recognize. I have traded sleeping on friend's floors to a king size bed in 3 bedroom house. I complain now that my tiny hatchback isn't big enough to rear face my kids to the max, and I need a minivan. I have forgotten how to meditate which is unfortunate because I am never relaxed. Most days I am just a little depressed. Maybe I am a bit disappointed that I lost sight of that girl with the green hair. I'd be happier with more tattoos and less square footage, I think. I can't help but regret that the two laughing children playing in my bedroom floor have kept me away from the theater for years. Don't get me wrong. I know I am lucky. I have much more than I ever expected to have back then. I have so much more, but I need so much more too. Nothing ever feels like enough as I try and fill the void in my life with stuff. The baby boy crying to my left because he needs to be held and the toddler girl to my right pretending to type "just like you" are my world. I wouldn't trade them for anything, but I need so much more than them. I need to write.
Tags: ljidol
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*hugs* There are days I'd give anything to be my teenaged self again who always had somewhere to be, something to do, and still believed in soulmates.

I still believe on soulmates, mine just happen to be a 3 year old girl and a 8 month old little boy. I mean, there's also my husband but he's not even a close third. But this is not the life I imagined. I dreamed of a tiny little apartment in the city doing yoga with my hot boyfriend.

Welcome back to writing :) May you find solace here.

Thank you. I hope writing and I can reconnect the way we used to.

I *heart* this... very much.

Maybe you can recapture that green-haired girl again.

Good luck

I am considering dying my hair green just in case it made all the difference.

Dyeing my hair made some difference for me. I know the last time I went brown, I felt like I lost a part of myself, that I found again when I dyed it red (and then various other colours after that). I only recently went back to brown, but it doesn't feel so bad this time because I'd recaptured other parts of myself in the meantime.
Welcome back. Hopefully some of your feelings can be sorted out by writing them out. Good luck!
I think of that Talking Heads song. Even if this IS your beautiful car and your beautiful house, there will be days when you wonder, "How did I get here?" and none of it seems to be quite right.

Those early years with kids can be that way in particular, because they need so much of your love and attention. But it does get easier, if that helps. And I hope writing for Idol will help you get there a little sooner.
I know it might be hard to see right now, especially with how young your kids are, but it is possible to find your way back to yourself and the things that gave your life meaning. I felt very much like you when my kids were your kids' age. But as they got older, I was able to figure out how to make more time for the things I needed in order to feel more like myself. I've been doing improv for roughly two years now, from pretty much the time my youngest was four. And writing was how I found solace before that, when I felt like I couldn't leave the house.
I hope that Idol helps you fulfill this need to write! It can be a lifeline!
Never too late to dye your hair and catch some of your old idealisticness.
Green hair, huh? Mine was purple in high school. :)

Love this entry, and I hope the writing helps.
Welcome! I'm going to be looking for your writings, and maybe for that green-haired girl peeking out from between the words.

Best wishes for a wonderful and creative time in season ten.