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| 12:23pm 05/12/2009 |
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I told him I couldn't be in a relationship with someone who didn't care how I felt, packed my stuff up and left. He just let me do it. He didn't say a thing, and that hurt so bad.
Edit: I talked to a mutual friend who said Zack sounded really upset and I should talk to him. I told him that Zack didn't seem like he wanted to talk and John said I should make him talk. So I called him, and tried to talk, he didn't say anything beyond "Hello" and that he can't understand me.He asked me to E-mail him instead. I told him I wanted to talk, that that was the whole problem. He said nothing, and I begged him to talk, I told him he could yell at me for all I cared, he just had to say something. He asked me to call him back later, I told him that I wasn't going to call back. This was his only chance to talk to me, and he said he wasn't sure what to say. Then he asked if he could call me back later. I hung up. If he talks later, then I guess it'll be okay. It just really hurts to reach out and try and make things better and have him not even try. I don't care if he's mad at me or calls me a bitch, or whatever, I just want him to talk to me. Now I'm stuck here wondering if he will call me back later or not. When is later? Do I have to spend the next week sitting around wondering if he's going to call and finally tell me how he feels, if he's willing to forgive me and try and make a change or if it's really over? He said he wanted to give me space, but I said I didn't want space. What is it that he needed to think about before he could tell me how he felt? |
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| 09:12am 04/12/2009 |
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ya know, I E-mailed my dad about a month ago asking him if he and my step mom got my birthday cards, and he hasn't E-mailed me back. That kind of hurts. He says all the time that I need to E-mail him more, and then when I do, I get nothing back. I assumed he was on vacation and just didn't put on the automatic reply, which has happened before, but there's no way he took a month of vacation. I guess he doesn't want to talk to me anymore, which doesn't really bother me that much. I only started talking to him again because my aunts (his sisters) asked me to. |
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| LJ Idol Week 6: Sunrise |
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| 10:28am 01/12/2009 |
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I hate people who whine. Complaining in your own journal is one thing, or maybe talking about a traumatic incident. Just plain whining about a situation that isn't even really bad really pisses me off though. I think facebook has only helped this issue. I don't even like to read people's status updates anymore.
A friend of mine posted sometime last week that she was going to miss her boyfriend. Every day that followed that was something about how she missed him tacked onto the end of every update. Then two days ago she posted that he was coming back. So after reading all the bullshit he was gone less than a week? In less than a week she managed to complain about missing her boyfriend at least twice as much as I had in seven months. I rarely mentioned it because that's life. Clearly she's so spoiled that no man has ever gone a whole 5 days without seeing her.
Then there's this other girl, she's good friends with girl number one so this shouldn't surprise me. I think I added her to my friend's list a year ago and no more than 3 days goes by without her complaining about being single and wanting a boyfriend. This girl was just signed by a record company in California where she moved to become a famous singer. Single life does get lonely, but there are way more important things. I was so happy a few days ago when she listed herself as being in a relationship.
My best friend posts about her roommates never cleaning the house, or how her roommate's cat is peeing on her carpet (this is her current post). Why can't she tell them this? She posts it on facebook so everyone can feel sorry for her. This is the same best friend who used to say she hated her dad when he didn't give her money. When she told me this I always wanted to yell "fuck you I have no dad", but she'd probably say she wished she didn't have one.
Those are just the top three status updates on my homepage. I'm not going to read any more of them because I think I might puke. The point is that no one cares about your boyfriend or lack there of, or your shitty roommates. We've all got problems, and weather it's on facebook or in person, I don't want to hear yours unless you are really going through something tragic. People need to grow up and realize that the sun will rise tomorrow even if they did stay up all night taking care of their baby. Life is never going to be perfect, but life and facebook would be a hell of a lot better with a little less whining. |
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| 04:12pm 26/11/2009 |
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I went over to look at a kitten today, I have to wait for Zack to come with me to pick one for sure, but I like this fluffy black one. I think it's a girl,but we won't know for sure for another few weeks. I have been brain storming names for a while. If it's a girl, I want to give her a cute girly name since our other cat is named Rufus which is a pretty simple name. I can't really think of anything like that though. Then I also was thinking of a Christmas name. The only one I can think of that I really like is Noel so I'm leaning toward that. I was wondering if you guys have any suggestions of either girly or Christmas names or just something cute. |
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| Writer's Block: Is your goose (or tofu) cooked? |
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| 12:42pm 25/11/2009 |
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Thanksgiving at my grandmas has been something we've done since before I was born. I wouldn't call it traveling since my grandma lives 2 blocks from my house, but we always go over there. I like to think that one day I'll have a big enough place to have my family over there, but we only broke tradition once in the past 25 years. That's when we had dinner at my house when I was a teen. My mom cooked the turkey upside down which is one reason we never have it anywhere else. I've always been a fan of traditions, but we like to ad to them. Like cheese cake is our traditional dessert because none of us like pie and I make awesome cheesecake. |
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| LJ Idol Week 5: Bearing False Witness |
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| 12:51am 18/11/2009 |
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I stood on my porch waiting for his car to come around the corner. "He's giving me driving lessons" I tell my mother, and she believes it. I never lie to anyone, but this lie comes easily. I knew what I was doing was wrong. I lie to myself and say that it's okay, that he is telling me the truth, but my heart knows differently.
It had been six months since I last saw him, but he looked as good as ever. I don't remember what he wore or smelled like, just that he was there, in the flesh, after I waited so long for him. I hadn't E-mailed him very much or talked to him on the phone at all. Still, I lied to myself and said I'd waited for him.
I hopped into the driver's seat of his car for my 'lesson' and headed in the direction that he told me. Less than a mile from my house, my lesson ended. I found myself in a hotel room, staring at "Cat Woman" on the tv. We made small talk about where he'd been, what he'd done while he was gone. He even went into detail about her. She was pretty, he told me. They were on the same boat and were good friends. He told me it meant nothing "just for the benefits". I knew this was a lie, but I had waited for him. He was mine first. I don't know how or why I did it, maybe I wanted to believe the lies. There's no excuse really, all I can say is that I did it. I slept with a married man.
"Dave's back in town" Mia told me a few days later.
"I know. He got married." I reply.
"Yeah, I met her. She's really nice" Mia says and my heart sinks.
"He's a jerk though, he tried to get me to hang out with him" I lie to my best friend, when I never have before. "I think he's trying to get me to sleep with him"
When he called the next day, I didn't answer.
I still talk to Dave occasionally. He told me about his new girlfriend, and I don't ask what happened to his wife. I know he cheated on her, because I was the first one. Asking would be silly, why should I care? I wonder if the women after me knew he was married too. I think about what a jerk he is, and how I probably helped her in the end. I bet she's glad she's not with him anymore. That's a lie too though, but it helps me sleep at night when I know in my heart, I'm not any better than him. |
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| 11:44pm 14/11/2009 |
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Vote for me?
http://www.livejournal.com/poll/?id=1485618
I don't want to make a habit of asking for votes, but I have the least amount of votes right now, and I think this week's entry was my best so far. I really want to stay in another couple of rounds. |
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| Idoil week 4 : Sexual Ethics |
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| 10:18pm 10/11/2009 |
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I've been around the block, and I'm not ashamed to admit it. It's a common religious belief that you should only have sex when you're married. It was also a common belief of mine that I would never get married. So at an early age, I said "screw ethics" (literally) and got laid as often as I could. And you know, I don't regret a single person, a single act, one damn thing. Sure, some may look down on me. They may say I cheated my future husband out of having a virginal bride, but I lived my life to the fullest.
I lost my virginity to my first love, someone who'll always have a place in my heart; and I would never take that back. I celebrated graduation by sleeping with my best friend.Had sex with a friend while others watched, gave road head, had a three some with a guy and another girl, I've done it all. Sometimes I look back on that guy I slept with on the first date and never saw again, and I wonder, did I cheapen myself? Did I cheat the love of my life out of something? All I can see though are his lovely green eyes, and I can't see how I was wrong. I think of my still good friend, who held me as he slept and comforted me when I needed it, and I'm glad we shared those experiences. I tell people my "number" and then explain that I could tell you the full name of every one of them, still talk to most, and could at least give you the contact info of the others.
Do I feel like I'm any different than the average slut? Not really, but every choices I've made has brought me to where I am. After road head guy, I joined a dating site because I was tired of it. After I had another failed relationship with a man I'd slept with while watching Ghostbusters, I went back to the site, and there I met the love of my life. I'm all grown up now, and what I did back then is in the past. I love my boyfriend, and I can't imagine sleeping with anyone but him, but there were fifteen guys before him, and one woman, and I'll always have a connection with each one. Would Zack have preferred me as a virgin? Maybe, but then I probably wouldn't enjoy him spanking me as much ;) |
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| Writer's Block: Instant attraction |
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| 02:30pm 10/11/2009 |
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I am a big believer in giving someone a few chances before I decide if I like them. I think every person I've ever really had a lasting relationship with was someone I didn't really think I had much chemistry with at first. On my first date with Zack, we went to a movie so we barely talked, and we didn't even kiss at the end of the date (something i typically do) we just gave each other a small hug and went on our way. I decided I'd go out with him one or tow more times just in case he was shy, and since he was cute and I wanted to at least have sex with him. It wasn't until our second date, that he really started talking to me and I realized how awesome he is. I do think sometimes there is an instant chemistry, but that doesn't mean it'll last. Nick and I clicked very well at first and then ran out of things to say after 2 weeks. |
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| 12:18am 07/11/2009 |
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I don't think it's really hit me yet that he's gone. We weren't sure if my uncle was going to let us bury him in the yard and my mom had to go back to work so we decided to put him in a box and take him out to the shed. By the time my uncle got home and could help, it was dark so we left him out there until tomorrow. I keep thinking he's going to be cold or lonely out there. I know he's dead, he can't feel the cold anymore, but every night since he's been sick I've slept on the couch next to him, and I guess I tell myself he's lonely on there, but really it's me who's lonely. I keep expecting to see him laying in the floor or standing in the kitchen, anywhere but out in the cold in the shed waiting to be buried under the ground forever. |
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| 02:43pm 06/11/2009 |
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He's gone. I feel like such a failure. I took him to the vet, but I couldn't afford the ER. I gave him his medicine and some water 2 hours ago. He was fighting me so hard, he didn't want to drink, he wanted to die. He was my baby. When he was born his was the little around ball of fluff, and when he died he was so skinny and sick. I feel awful for letting him suffer. I tried though. I tried so hard to get him help, but I couldn't afford it. I wanted to just take him to the spca so they could help him, but I kept telling myself he was getting better. Just this morning he was sitting up. He was seriously the best cat ever. He used to sleep in my bed and when I woke up I'd have my head on him like a pillow, and he never minded. He never scratched or bit or hurt anyone. He was a little loud, but he was a good cat. My mom didn't even cry. I feel like I'm the only one mourning. Elly is mourning too, but she's with her boyfriend. I want Zack so bad right now and he won't be home for 2 weeks.My mom and her co worker kept saying "you knew he was sick" "you knew he was going to die" like that makes a difference. Just because I knew doesn't mean that I didn't just lose a family member. The ironic thing is that when I was sad I used to lay with him and cry, and now he's not here for me to cry on.
RIP Marlo Anne Cheeks June 6th 2003- November 6th 2009 |
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| 10:35pm 05/11/2009 |
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I've always found the ads on face book kind of amusing. I always thought it was weird that I got ads for mothers, I don't know what on my profile made them think I'm a mother, but it made me laugh because they only pop up every now and then. I also get a lot of wedding ads, because I'm not single. Then I get the usual ads for games, and photography ads. In all I'm not that bothered by them, but the second I changed my job, I get nothing but military ads. 2/3 of the ads are for military. These piss me off. I'm used to the irrelevant ads, but I think what bothers me is that I don't get the funny random ads that I used to, it's all the same 3 or 4. The assume I'm in the military and send me ads for school, school I can't afford to go to because I'm not in the military and I don't have time for it. I always mark them as irrelevant, but I get the same ones over and over. I'm trying to just get out of the habit of looking at them, but I still glad over every now and then and see the ads for shit that has nothing to do for me and only serves are a reminder that I'm a failure because I'll probably never be able to go back to college.
~Robin |
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| Idol week 3: Smile |
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| 12:48am 03/11/2009 |
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When I was a kid my mom decided to let me take modeling lessons. I was about seven or eight at the time, and I thought there was nothing more to life than looking cute. Every day we had a new lesson. One day we spent hours learning how to put on make-up. Another day we learned about posture and how to sit properly. We had lessons on how to walk. We did a lot of walking, one foot in front of the other to songs by Madonna. When we got to the end of the runway we'd pause and smile. Not just any smile though, we took hours to learn exactly how to place our lips half-way across our teeth to smile. We learned exactly how to turn the corners of our lips up to take the perfect photo. Modeling school was a lot of hard work, and in the end we got a diploma, and a few runway shows for minor clothing companies. Some of the the kids probably went on to model professionally. Most probably went on to brag about their days as a model.
I like to think there are a few of us out there though who realized that there was more to life than looks. In a class of twenty I couldn't have been the only one who went on to actually make a difference. Sure, I was a pretty little girl. I like to think I still am pretty, but I need a little more substance in my life than that. "I could have been a model" is something I may tell my grandchildren one day. Though in reality, it wasn't that big of a deal. Still, it'll be a nice story to tell. I'll tell them that those smile lessons are something, I never could shake. It's like they're ingrained in my head now, every smile, for every picture exactly the same. It's only when the camera isn't turned on me that I remember to really smile. "I could have been a model" I'll tell my grand kids "but instead I did something worthwhile". I care for special needs children instead, and when I do that, I use my real smile.
(Picture of me doing my model smile, just like in every other picture) |
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| Idol week 2: Uphill, both ways, barefoot |
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| 10:10am 27/10/2009 |
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"Up hill both ways in the snow, barefoot" that's how my ex step dad used to describe his walks to school in the morning. No really, this guy actually said that shit. I think he was full of crap, but that's exactly how I would describe my relationship with him. Weather it was just beginning, or I was finally on my way home, my battle with my ex step dad was uphill both ways, and pretty damn cold too.
I distinctly remember the first day I was told that he and my mom were dating. I had no clue what was going on when I saw this man standing in my living room with his two kids. It was a small dingy living room, now that I look back on it, but it was my home since I'd been born and to a four year-old it looked huge.
"Steve's moving in with us" my mom said. That was the beginning of my walk.
At first everything probably looked pretty good. Steve was rich, or so mom thought, and we all moved into a huge house. Six bedrooms, and three bathrooms was a mansion compared to the two bedroom shack I'd grown to love. I had all the toys a kid could ever want, and no responsibility. At least, I wasn't responsible for cleaning up my toys. I was responsible for any wrong done in the house.
I was five by the time things really got bad. I if I peed my pants, as most five year-olds do, I spent my day in a diaper. If something in the house was broken, all four of the kids were gathered together and told we'd all be spanked "starting with the youngest" (that was me). So I'd decided quickly that if I was going to get spanked every other day, at least my brothers and sister didn't have to. "It was me" I'd always say, and though I think we all knew that a five year-old girl did not throw a baseball hard enough to break the den window, I got the spanking and my siblings got away with it. Soon my self-sacrifices caught on, and we'd all take turns. One week it was Andy, another it was Aaron, Lindsey never took the blame, but it never was her fault.
We'd only lived in that house for about a year before we had to quickly move out. First we moved to a small house the next city over. A year later we were sharing two bedrooms in my grandma's house. After that we lived in a house for a month and another for another month. I was really excited about that first one, it had a unicorn painted on the wall of the room that I wanted, but Steve painted over it, and promised I'd get a unicorn on my wall one day(it never happened). The next several years are all a blur of moving and spankings, and diapers, and spending hours in the corner after I came home late for dinner. I won't pretend that I had it bad, not compared to most kids, but I knew it was abuse. I tried to tell my mom. She'd given birth to a little girl though, when we still lived in the big house, and she had to think of her kids. I guess she just forgot she had three of them. She tells me now she didn't think it was that bad.
I wasn't the only one climbing barefoot up hill though. Andy had it worse than me. He was a boy so he didn't get a belt on his back and legs, instead he would get hit with fists and kicked out of the house for days at a time. Aaron would try and stand up for us, tell his dad he was wrong, and for that he'd be put in a third corner while Steve went out to buy drugs. Lindsey was the good one, so she's have to watch us, which meant she'd watch for him to leave and let us out. When he returned hours later, we'd all run back to our corner and stay there until mom got home at ten. He'd say we were in for five minutes when she asked.
That's pretty much how my life went for the next few year. Eventually Aaron and Lindsey moved in with their mom. Andy started doing drugs to escape it all, and I was left alone with our newest sister, Elly. She was a toddler and his biological child so she was safe, but I was trapped. Two more years passed as I made my way up the other side of the hill, growing weaker, giving in, realizing the best thing to do was to hide in my room and be as quiet as possible.
Then one day he hit my mom. He'd never hit her before, I guess. My mom considered this the worst thing he could possibly do. After all the hitting he'd done to us, it only took one beating for her to divorce him. I was out of town at the time, and by the time I came back, he was gone. Just like that it was all over. After all that uphill walking, all the cold and the snow, and rocks poking at my feet; my life could go back to normal. I was twelve when they divorced, my whole childhood had been wasted away. I came out of it all a bit stronger though, and more resilient to the cold. My big brother wasn't so lucky, and for that I'll always hate Steve, but in the end I realize that that was just one of many hills I'll have to climb in my life and if I can climb that one, I can do pretty much anything. |
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| 04:08pm 26/10/2009 |
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Marlo, my cat, was feeling better most of last week and then friday, just in time for all the vets to close, he started to get sick again. He's eating a little unlike before when he wouldn't eat at all, but he's not doing well. Today we took him to the vet who said, that he should go to the ER. The ER here has a base fee of $120 and that's without all the tests. If a take him there, I'd have to abandon him there because I can't pay that. I paid $101 at the vet today and I now have $100 that has to last me until I get paid again in the middle of next month. I'm hoping I can convince someone to loan me the money, or that the antibiotics that he's been given will help him. The vet was so mean too, he acted like I abuse my cat. It's not my fault he's not drinking and is slightly dehydrated, I've been trying to get him to drink, but he barely does. the vet being a meanie on top of me feeling so helpless when my cat is suffering made me nearly cry, but I don't cry in public so I held back.
When we got home I fed him a can of tuna, and put some water in it, it was basically tuna soup. He did eat some of it, probably a lot considering how little he's been eating, but he really only ate like half the tuna, and didn't drink the water. Still, I hope the fact that the tuna was soaked helped. I gave him a bowl of water next to it, but he didn't touch it, just sniffed it. If he's not better in a few days, I'm going to take him to the SPCA and turn him over to them. I don't want to abandon my kitten especially when I've watched his birth and had him for 6 years, but I'd rather not have him than have him suffer. It's a no kill shelter and they'll take care of him. I called them to see if their vet would care for Marlo and they said only if we turn him over to them so if that's what I have to do, then that's what I'll do. It'll break my heart though. He's like my best friend.
~Robin |
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| 10:22pm 21/10/2009 |
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My mom's car has been broken down for about 2 months now, so I've been driving her to or from work a few days a week while she's been getting rides from co workers other times. Then my uncle's car broke down just 2 days ago. I let him drive my car to work because I didn't want to get up at 7am and drive him to chesapeake. I don't mind helping them out since they have no car, and have to get to work, but then my mom expects me to do all this other shit for her. She wants me to take her to her boyfriend's house all the time. Then the day before yesterday he glasses broke. She has prescription sunglasses so she can work, and pretty much gets around just fine, but they look weird when she wears them inside so she wants me to rush out and get them fixed for her since she works until 5. The place closes at 6, but she says it'll be busy then so I should go. So tomorrow I'm expected to take my uncle to work in chesapeake at 7am, take my mom to work at 9, then drive to va beach to get her glasses fixed, and then I have to get my uncle from work at 5 and get to a class at 6. I am not doing that shit. My mom can wait, or how about they help each other out? There a place that can fix her glasses near my uncle's work, he can take my car, take her glasses in on his lunch break, get them when he gets off work, and then drive back here, then I'll be to my class in time, and can just hang out here for the rest of the day. My mom can get a ride from a co worker. I don't think I should have to drive to va beach to get her glasses fixed when there is a place right by my uncle's work. It opens at 10 or else I'd get them done there. AM I being unreasonable? should I do everyone's errands just because I don't work much and have a car?
~Robin |
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| 09:03pm 15/10/2009 |
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LYLAS, that's what my best friend and I used to write. We were in high school, only 14 when we met. We really thought it was true then, that our love was that of sisters. We thought there would never be a day when we couldn't love each other. Boy, were we wrong. Mia and I really were there for each other through a lot. Her step mom was abusive of her, and I stood by her when. She was teased for her bad hair cut (give by her step mom) and hand me down clothes, but I defended her. I invited her to every party I had knowing she'd never be able to go just because I didn't want her to feel left out. We even had our own alphabet that we wrote to each other in.
After high school, unlike most friends, we grew closer. I rejoiced when she returned from boot camp. She'd joined the navy to get away from her family, so I wrote her when they didn't. I'd celebrated her engagement to a man she'd only known 3 months even though I knew it was doomed. When he broke up with her, I comforted her though I knew she'd cheated on him several times, and deserved it. She was my best friend after all, and sisters forgave for things like that.
I remember the night she called me when I was at work and told me she may be pregnant. She'd only known the father a few months, but they lived together. I bought her a pregnancy test because she couldn't afford it and sat with her as the positive results popped up. Two weeks later, I was her first call when she began to miscarry. She was pregnant again 3 months later, but by then we weren't talking.
I don't know what happened or when she'd decided I wasn't worth talking to.At first, it was just a phone call or two that wasn't returned. Then no reply to an E-mail. She'd told a friend she was busy and would call us all when she could. She never called though. I E-mailed her on her birthday, worried that she'd be spending it alone. I would have gone to her house, if I knew she was home.
The last time I saw her she wandered into the same bar as me. The ring on her finger, and large round belly was no shock to me. I'd heard she was pregnant and married. She'd once said I'd be her maid of honor. I didn't act angry though because that's not what sisters do, they forgive. She barely spoke to me that night, but she'd made a point to say goodbye. I took that as a good sign. Weeks later I sent another E-mail. A month after that I sent one last one before she told me not to contact her again. Months passed, and I still asked mutual friends how she was. I told them to send her my love. I sent congratulations when she gave birth to her daughter, in October of 2007. I did all I could to be a good sister. It's been over two years since I last saw Mia. I hear she's doing well, and has a 2nd child on the way.
Last week as I signed on to yahoo messenger a box popped up on the screen "Mia***** would like to add you as a friend". "After all this time," I thought "she wanted to get back in touch". After she ignored me without explanation, when I'd been the one who was there for her through it all. It felt so good to know she still thought of me, and maybe even regretted what had happened. I hit the decline button, and grinned. I didn't know until that exact moment that all my effort had been empty gestures, carefully thought out to make myself look good. I did it all so she'd know what she was missing. Maybe if she'd been my sister I could have forgive her for it all, but she wasn't my sister. I have 3 sisters, and not one of them has ever ignored me.
entry brought to you by the letter S and ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/community.gif) therealljidol |
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| 02:14pm 15/10/2009 |
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In case you hadn't noticed I'm doing this LJ idol thing, which is writing competition. This poll has a prize, but no one will be eliminated. Still it would be nice if some of you would vote for me. There are some great writers competing, and I'm not much of a writer at all, but I would appreciate a couple of votes. Just scroll down until you see my name (it's in ABC order) click the box next to it and hit submit.
http://www.livejournal.com/poll/?id=1471388&mode=enter |
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sonarvampress's journal
